IF CANDIDATES ADS LET IT ALL HANG OUT

By Don Feder

Posted January 3, 2008

For a conservative, one of the masochistic delights of living in Massachusetts, the bluest of blue states, is listening to all of the cloying candidate ads – the pungent political fertilizer being shoveled into New Hampshire via Boston TV and radio stations.

If I hear of another candidate who “cares” or has “courage” or “vision” or supports “change,” I’ll begin cleaning my guns and listening to the voices again.

The other day, I heard a radio spot for the Creature from The Ninth Circle of Hell, sponsored by the American Federation of Teachers.

It consisted of a number of women chattering about the wonders of La Rodham, and what she’ll do for their children. “Education is the key to everything,” says one. “I’m supporting Hillary,” another gushes. A third assures us: “She really knows what’s going on. When she walks in, she’s gonna know what a president has to do.” (Here, the speaker clearly has confused U.S. president with Reich’s chancellor.)

Anyway, I thought: Wouldn’t it be peachy if the presidential candidates told us what was really on their (you should pardon the expression) minds.

It might go something like this:

Hillary Ad #1: “She couldn’t be bothered raising her own kid – when Bill was Arkansas governor, they hired a nanny, illegally paid for by the state’s taxpayers – but she wants to tell you how to raise yours. When Hillary says ‘it takes a village,’ she means a motley crew of social workers, bureaucrats and educrats. Hillary -- She has lots of experience talking about other people’s children.”

Hillary Ad #2: “’I’m Hillary Clinton, and I’m a power freak. For 30 years, I turned a blind eye to Bill’s philandering, and even played Tammy Wynette in public, for the power I derived from being first the wife of a governor and then first lady. During Bill’s White House years, I got a shot at nationalizing health care. Bill even gave me a say in cabinet and judicial appointments. Now, I want to step out from behind the throne and rule in my own right. Aren’t you getting a little tired of democracy and representative government? C’mon, give me a chance. I promise: It’s the last political decision you’ll ever have to make.’ Hillary -- for people who want to be told what to do.”

Hillary Ad #3: “’I’m Hillary Clinton, and I’m better than you. Sometimes I’m dazzled by my own brilliance. As long as I can recall, I’ve thought of myself as a superior being – both intellectually and morally. When Bill and I resided at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., aides were ordered not to look at me when they passed me in the hallway, lest I be sullied by their glances. You should be grateful that I’m willing to condescend to rule you, you pathetic peasant.’ Hillary Clinton – Here’s looking down at you, kid.”

Hillary Ad #4: “’Hillary here. If you’re a rich scoundrel who’ll someday need a presidential pardon, open your checkbook to me! Look what Bill and I did in our last weeks in the White House. What we did for Marc Rich (Time Magazine called his pardon ‘One of the Most Notorious Presidential Pardons’), we can do for you. Besides, Bill wants a crack at a new crop of White House interns.’ Billary -- because hormones are a terrible thing to waste.”

Hillary Ad #5: “I’m Hillary Rodham Clinton. If I’m elected president, I’ll pretend that North Korea isn’t developing nuclear weapons, just like Bill. Then, when I can no longer deny the obvious, I’ll sign a treaty with Pyongyang, just like Bill. And when Kim Jong-Il violates it, I’ll pretend it didn’t happen, just like Bill. And, when terrorists attack us, I’ll bomb an aspirin factory in the Sudan, just like Bill. And then, I’ll disband the army, except for the gay division. And we’ll never go to war again, no matter what anyone does to us. And our children will pick flowers and learn to speak Korean and Farsi.”

Hillary Ad #6: “With no formal training and having despised capitalism as a student, Hillary turned a $1,000 investment into $100,000 in six months, playing the futures market. Turn the wolf of Wall Street loose on the federal budget.”

Hillary Ad #7: “Hillary knows how to keep a secret. When Bill was nominated in 1992, the paper shredders at the Rose Law Firm worked day and night. Hillary Clinton, she’ll make Richard Nixon seem open and candid. Can you say CIA Director James Carville?”

Obama Ad #1: “’I’m Barack Obama, and I have less experience than any other serious candidate. Three years ago, as a member of the Illinois legislature, I was taking constituent calls on potholes. But if you’re a guilty, white liberal obsessed with race, I’m you’re man.’ Barack Obama – politically inexperienced, Oprah approved.”

Obama Ad #2: “Democrats, I’m a political powerhouse. In 2004, I achieved the heroic feat of beating Alan Keyes for the Senate in Illinois. I have charisma to spare. And I’m really likeable, unlike you-know-who.”

Obama Ad #3: “To hell with the troops. Let’s signal the terrorists that they’ve won, by pulling out of Iraq now. The road to victory in the war on terrorism is paved with unilateral surrender. Obama -- for waving the white flag at Al-Qaeda.”

Obama Ad #4: “Hillary Clinton flip-flopped on the Iraq War. She voted in favor of the resolution authorizing intervention. Now she claims she’s against our involvement. Speaking to a veterans’ group this summer, she said the surge was working in ‘some ways.’ Hillary is a closet interventionist. Hillary in the White House would mean a continuation of the disastrous Bush/neo-con foreign policy. Hillary has a secret crush on Dick Cheney and writes anonymous mash notes to him almost every day.”

Kucinich Ad: “It isn’t easy getting to the left of Clinton and Obama, but Dennis – the Red Dwarf – Kucinich has managed to occupy that narrow strip of terrain. If you want a man in the White House who believes in UFOs – who might be an extra-terrestrial himself – vote Dennis. Besides, if you get tired of looking at him for 4 to 8 years, you can always look at his wife. Dennis Kucinich – ugly is as ugly does.”

Edwards Ad #1: “’I’m John Edwards and I made a fortune chasing ambulances. If you believe in multi-million dollar verdicts for women who scald themselves holding hot coffee between their knees while driving, support my candidacy.’ John Edwards – in tort lawyers we trust.”

Edwards Ad #2: “Most men who learn their wife has a recurrence of cancer would alter their career plans to be with her as much as possible and give her all of the support they could. Not the Breck Girl. If you admire blind ambition, vote Edwards in 08.”

Romney Ad #1: “I’m Mitt Romney, and I saw my father, the late Michigan Governor George Romney, march with Martin Luther King for civil rights. I also saw him land on Omaha Beach on D-Day, break through to Bastogne with Patton in the Battle of the Bulge, charge up San Juan Hill with Teddy Roosevelt and save the Union by stopping Pickett’s charge at Gettysburg. Actually, I didn’t literally see him do any of these things. I’m speaking metaphorically. What’s the meaning of ‘saw’ anyway? (See ‘Bill Clinton’s New Dictionary of the American Language.’)”

Romney Ad #2: “Mitt Romney: He lied to the people of Massachusetts for eight straight years, but he’s telling the truth now. You can trust Mitt Romney – to say anything to get elected.”

Romney Ad #3: “Mitt Romney changed his mind on abortion, just like Ronald Reagan. Except, Reagan changed over years, Mitt changed over months. You might say Mitt had an epiphany on the Road to Des Moines. For most of his adult life, Mitt Romney was oblivious to the humanity of the unborn child. But after a mythical encounter with a Harvard stem-cell researcher, his eyes were opened. As a governor and a Senate candidate, Mitt also didn’t know what a handgun or an illegal alien was. Mitt Romney – he doesn’t have a clue.”

Romney Ad #4: “If Mitt Romney is elected president, he promises to build an electrified fence around his Belmont, Massachusetts home to keep illegal aliens from doing any more yard-work there. Mitt Romney – ready to get tough on illegal immigration in his own backyard.”

Giuliani Ad #1: “I’m Rudy Giuliani. I didn’t keep my promises to my first two wives -- to love and honor -- but I’ll keep my promises to you.”

Giuliani Ad #2: “Don’t ask Rudy Giuliani about his relationship with the Catholic Church. That’s between Rudy and his confessor, even though he doesn’t have one. And don’t ask him about his relationship with his children, who won’t even talk to him. Leave his family out of it! And don’t ask him how someone who was proud to be the mayor of a sanctuary city can secure our borders. Any other questions? Dial 1-800-Don’t-Ask-Rudy.”

Giuliani Ad # 3: “It’s time for conservatives to get over their obsession with abortion. And what better way to do that than to nominate a candidate who, as mayor, made New York City the abortion capital of America. If you’re a Republican who’s tired of getting the lion’s share of religious voters, we’ve got the solution. Rudy Giuliani – got choice?

Huckabee Ad #1: “I’m Mike Huckabee, and I want to be compassionate with your money. I believe in scholarships for the children of illegal aliens. It’s what Jesus would do – if he was a member of the National Council of La Raza.”

Huckabee Ad #2: Mike Huckabee isn’t sure if global warming is man-made. But he still wants a cap on CO-2 emissions, because we have a responsibility to be good stewards of the environment – even at the cost of wrecking the economy. Mike Huckabee -- we don’t need no stinkin’ jobs!”

Huckabee Ad #3: “Mike Huckabee believes in the DC voting rights bill, because minority-pandering and political correctness are more important than the Constitution. Vote Mike, and give the Democratic Party another House seat, and perhaps two Senators down the road, in perpetuity.”

Huckabee Ad #4: “’This is Mike Huckabee. Did you know that Mitt Romney is a member of a satanic cult that thinks the Devil is Jesus’ second-cousin once removed? I’m sorry I said that (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).’ Mike Huckabee -- because innuendo is a terrible thing to waste.”

McCain Ad #1: “He’s old. He’s mean. He shouts obscenities at Senate colleagues. Bleep kinder and gentler. Vote McCain.”

McCain Ad #2: “I’m John McCain and I was the chief Senate architect of the amnesty bill. Corporate America needs cheap, peon labor. We can’t arrest every illegal in the country; we haven’t got enough handcuffs. So why try? If I’m elected president, Mexico can close its embassy and consulates. I’ll represent its interests better. Vote for me, you stupid, racist gringos.”

McCain Ad #3: “’John McCain spent the past two decades pandering to The New York Times. He was – hands down – the media’s favorite Republican. He teamed up with Russ Feingold, a far-left Democrat, to stick it to his own party with the McCain-Feingold Campaign Finance Reform Act., which partially suspends the First Amendment 90 days before a national election and unleashed George Soros in 2006. Bleep party loyalty. Bleep free speech. McCain for President.’ ‘I’m John McCain, and you bet I approve this message, you son of a -----.’”

Paul Ad: “Ron Paul is a knee-jerk isolationist. Ron Paul thinks there’s no national defense like no national defense. If you think 9/11 happened because ‘we bombed Iraq for 10 years,’ if you think ‘by far and away the most powerful lobby in Washington of the bad sort is the Israeli government,’ if you think heroin and prostitution should be legal, vote Paul. If you believe in black helicopters and CFR conspiracies, vote Ron Paul. If you want the foreign policy of Pat Buchanan with the social policy of Bill Maher, vote Ron Paul. If you don’t, his zombie army might get you.”

Thompson Ad: “Vote for Fred, in solidarity with the millions of Americans suffering from chronic-fatigue syndrome. ‘I’m Fred Thompson, and I’ll approve this message, as soon as I wake up.’”

Hillary Ad #8 – “This is Hillary Clinton, did you know Barack Obama is an addict, a Muslim, a card-carrying member of Al-Qaeda and part of the vast right-wing conspiracy? And if there’s one thing which I will not tolerate, it’s the politics of personal destruction.”

Now, isn’t this more fun than “She really knows what’s going on”?

An earlier version of this commentary appeared at GrassTopsUSA.com